FARM 23 - Foremans' 'Funny Farm' continues to grow over time
BY SCOTT STEPHENSON
Belgrave-based farmer Robert Foreman is the owner and operator of 100 Mile Produce, a farm business focused on growing seasonal vegetables, cultivating partnerships with an expansive network of local Mennonite and Amish farmers, and selling fresh produce directly to consumers at farmers’ markets and restaurants in the local area. He’s devoted his life to making the business a success, and when a farmer devotes his life to creating a profitable farm worthy of a legacy, he dreams of the day that his progeny will make him proud by taking on the mantle of the family business.
But, during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns, when Foreman’s teenage daughters Chloe and Amelia approached him with their plans to expand the produce farm into livestock, he felt those dreams become a nightmare. You see, the girls’ idea was to acquire animals that would work only at one job - receiving love - and that they would produce only joy in return. These animals would be, simply, to be. The goal, at the beginning, was for each of the Foreman girls to get a goat to call their very own. The project became known colloquially around the house as “The Funny Farm”.
Anybody who has ever been in charge of a beast of burden knows that it is not a simple, or cheap, affair. For the practical-minded Foreman family, it took a bit of convincing. The girls’ approach was simple, but effective: create a PowerPoint presentation outlining how the two of them would divide up the workload and defray the costs. The girls’ mother, Patricia Smith, relented quickly, but Robert’s will to resist had to be slowly eroded over two weeks of nightly PowerPoint presentations. Looking back now, Amelia admits that she underestimated the costs in these initial presentations, but that’s true of a lot of scrappy start-ups. In the end Robert gave up and each of them received a goat.
For Smith, acquiescence quickly turned to enthusiasm, and she was deputized to help out with the ever-expanding herd. Make no mistake, Amelia runs the show. There is a set way everything needs to be done, if it is to meet her satisfaction. There is a neatly printed list of detailed instructions on the wall of the barn for anyone in need of edification as to proper procedure.
When one arrives on the farm, they are usually greeted by Luna, the hyperactive, heterochromic (two different-coloured eyes) cattle dog. When the door to this reporter’s 2009 Chevrolet Equinox opened, Luna dropped a takeout coffee cup covered in red tinsel as a welcoming gift, before running far afield. Smith explained. “That tinsel’s just leftover from the goat’s Christmas decorations,” she laughed, shrugging. “Luna’s calmed down considerably, maybe, right?” she asked. Amelia’s pragmatic response? “Luna was at her most calm at eight weeks old, now she just gets more Luna.”
Luna is the younger of two farm dogs and she splits her time between confronting birds and trying to herd Hank, the elder dog of the Foreman farm. Hank, a mountainous gentleman of a dog, could easily fit Luna’s whole head in his mouth, but doesn’t let her high energy hi-jinks get him down.
Before school, Amelia gets up at 6 a.m. to bring the goats out. “I say, ‘goats, goats, goats’ and they follow me.” She leads them out to their paddock, and heads back to the barn to muck out the stalls. Cleanliness is important. Amelia warns, “There can’t be hay in the water, not even one piece, or the animals won’t drink it.” Once the living quarters are clean, she pitchforks hay into big mesh bags that hang on hooks in the goat stalls. While she endeavours to feed them a balanced diet, true to goat stereotypes, they’ll eat anything, including the special box built to keep their water from freezing. Much of their care isn’t about necessity, it’s about enrichment. Their paddock has a yellow plastic slide in case they feel like taking a little ride. Neighbours drop off old Christmas trees for them to destroy. Amelia says, “They love to eat Christmas trees.” The tree they are currently working on is stripped bare and battered smooth. The goat’s paddock is hand-made, but still strong enough to deter Luna’s persistent attempts to dig her way in.
Neither of the original two animals are still around. Chloe, the older sister, has switched her focus to the pursuit of post-secondary education. Amelia’s original goat, Blue, quickly became a local legend, and sired two of the mischievous characters that make up Amelia’s current menagerie, and it has become an extensive fraternity.
Besides the original goats, there are two myotonic goats, also known as Tennessee Fainting Goats. This unusual breed was first brought to North America in the 1880s. A mutation in their genes causes the goats to stiffen and fall over when they are surprised or startled. Amelia’s two goats are myotonic, but they don’t faint. Willy, the male, was taken in when his extreme odour drove his previous owners to seek out a more suitable home. His female companion, Bailey, is much smaller, with long hair and a serene face. Even for a very silly type of animal, this little one is supremely silly. These two little characters get fed on opposite sides of their stall to prevent fighting, but still love to jockey for position at each bowl one at a time.
The goats are also impractically naughty. Smith remembers them escaping on at least 10 separate occasions. Reinforced doors have been installed in the barn in an attempt to keep these caprine escape artists hemmed in. They’ve also been known to liberate other animals from their pens.
Another addition to the 100-year-old barn is a tiny hatch cut into the massive entrance door to allow the diminutive young farmer to check on her animals during extremely cold weather without allowing excess heat to escape the barn.
There are also new stalls built to house livestock. One of the stalls stands empty, awaiting whatever animal catches Amelia’s attention next. Number one on her wish list: a full-sized horse, but she wouldn’t say no to a donkey, pot-bellied pigs or alpacas.
When asked if she’d ever tried milking the goats, Amelia explained that she’d considered it, but didn’t want to interrupt the natural relationship between the goats and their mother. Most goats never have it so good!
After school, she mucks out more stalls. It’s not just goats anymore, now there are miniature horses. More accurately, there is a miniature horse, and an even smaller miniature horse. One of them used to work as a therapy horse, but both are now well past retirement age. Now it’s their full time job to relax in the sunshine.
The farm also has two Easter Egger chickens, a breed prized for laying different-coloured eggs. Don’t expect any eggs from these two because they’re both roosters! With expansion on her mind, though, soon, that will change. Smith has come around on the idea of further additions to the crew. “[Amelia] has finally convinced me to get chickens.”.
There is also a flock of quail. These tiny dynamos are the only animals on the farm that produce something edible in the form of small, speckled eggs that Smith and the Foremans eat hard-boiled. They only take a minute to cook, as quail eggs are considerably smaller than chicken eggs. The shells, however, have a higher protein content than chicken egg shells, and are therefore much stronger.
When asked how she felt about spending time with this eclectic coterie of barnyard animals, Amelia responded with pure enthusiasm: “They’re just like dogs, only bigger!” Her advice to anybody thinking of getting into funny farming? “Do it!”
Any plans this daughter-mother team has for the future? Expanding the goat herd is a possibility. “Eight or 10 would be good,” mused Amelia, and Smith agreed saying, “You become friends with them,” while gesturing across the field.
Leaving the farm, one is left feeling that what they harvest here may be ephemeral, but it’s also undeniable.