<<headline not provided because of strike>> - Scott Stephenson editorial
Hello, hi, and howdy, dear readers of The Chaff! Despite what the byline may say, it is me, Dervid Hamson, your temporary guide through this whirlwind of mayhem. Now, before you start questioning the integrity of this particular Chaff, let me assure you that our usual writer, Scott Stephenson, is currently on strike alongside the mischievous crew of delinquents, doofuses and dilettantes who make up The Chaff’s notorious rogues' gallery of regular contributors. But fear not, for I have stepped in as a scab for hire, ready to churn out a new Chaff or two until the work stoppage ends and the inmates return to running the Chaff-sylum.
Brace yourselves, my fellow self-bracers, because this Hamson’s Chaff promises to be a real brace buster! You might be wondering what kind of shenanigans lie in store for you. Well, wonder no more, for I am about to unveil the chaotic events that unfolded within the walls of The Chaff’s headquarters this past week.
Picture this: an office in a state of complete disarray. Papers were scattered haphazardly across desks, as if caught in the whirlwind of madness. The walls, adorned with the words “Chaff on Stryk (sic),” written in chocolate syrup, served as a cryptic reminder of the rebellion brewing within these very halls.
It seemed that The Chaff staff had taken their demands to the next level, leaving behind a sweet and sticky message for all to see.
But the madness didn’t end there, dear readers. Oh no, it was only the beginning. The air was filled with the rebellious anthem of Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out for Summer” echoing on an endless loop. The infectious melody seeped into every nook and cranny, infusing the office with a rebellious energy. And what’s more, the volume level on the CD player had been tampered with, defying conventional limits. The number “10” had been transformed into an “11” shifting the boundaries of decibel tolerance while also paying homage to This Is Spinal Tap. The Chaff staff were obviously determined to make their presence known through the power of rock ‘n’ roll, mockumentaries and mocku-rock‘n-mentaries.
I reached out to Stephenson directly for comment on the strike and to learn more about potential plans for picketing. I received a facsimile two days later that said all questions should be directed to The Chaff’s “monkey counsel”, Marvin “the Marvelous Monkey Barrister” who specializes in banana acquisitions, jungle law and writers strikes. Marvin “the Marvelous Monkey Barrister” released the following statement: "We, on behalf of our clients, wish to address the ongoing writers strike that has recently commenced. Our clients, who are professional writers and members of The Chaff Guild, firmly believe in the importance of fair compensation and adequate working conditions for their invaluable contributions to the newspaper column industry. The writers strike is a measure taken in response to prolonged negotiations which have failed to reach a mutually satisfactory agreement.
Our clients have shown tremendous patience and a genuine willingness to engage in good faith negotiations throughout this process, but, unfortunately, the parties have been unable to bridge the significant gaps in their respective positions. We strongly urge all parties involved to return to the negotiating table promptly, with a genuine commitment to finding a fair and sustainable solution.”
While the circumstances may seem chaotic, dear readers, rest assured that this edition of The Chaff will still deliver the same
Chaff quality you’ve come to expect. So, grab your buckets and prepare to stuff them to the brim with the finest Chaff material. And remember, for sustained freshness, be sure to refrigerate your Chaff immediately after opening. Trust me, you don't want stale Chaff dampening your Chaff-munching experience.
As I embark on this wild ride of Chaff creation, I invite you to sit back, relax and join me in embracing the unpredictable nature of Hamson’s Chaff. Expect the unexpected, for the Chaff-filled surprises are only just beginning. Until the return of Scott Stephenson and the other Chaff writers, let the frenzy continue!
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of Dervid Hamson and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Chaff’s regular contributors or its management.
P.S.: Dervid Hamson here again. As a gesture of goodwill to The Chaff community and to prove my commitment to this position, I have begun the process to legally change my name to Scott Stephenson to officially match the byline. Marvin “the Marvelous Monkey Barrister” is helping me with the requisite legal paperwork and, if everything goes according to plan, my name will legally be Scott Stephenson before the next Chaff. Hamson out!