It's time to look back through 'The Chaff' - Scott Stephenson editorial
Greetings loyal Chaff Gang! If you perk up your ears and listen closely, you might hear the faint barks of Chaff hounds in the distance, desperately craving the one thing they can't live without: (whispers) The Chaff... The Chaff... The Chaff. (dog translation - Woof Woooff…. Woof Woooff… Woof Woooff.)
Welcome back to the weekly abyss that is known as The Chaff (not to be confused with The Dog Chaff: The Chaff for Dogs).
This week, we’re “Looking Back Through The Chaff” and casting our unfocused gaze backwards to the many, many (five) weeks that have passed, and delving into the annals of The Chaff’s sordid and ugly history. Behold, the days of yore when the people did gather in great numbers to partake in the festivities of the spring Chaff-quinox.
The air was filled with mirth and merriment as the folk danced and sang in celebration of the Chaffing of the seasons. Afterwards, the villagers retire to their homes to indulge in traditional Chaff-quinox treats, such as Chaff pudding and Chaff pies. These dishes are made with the finest Chaff ingredients that the village has to offer, and are a testament to the culinary prowess of the Chaff-quinox celebrants. Of course, no Chaff-quinox celebration would be complete without the traditional Chaff-quinox dance. This dance, performed by the young and old alike, involves a series of intricate steps that mimic the movements of The Chaff as it swirls through the pages of The Citizen. It is said that those who master the Chaff-quinox dance are blessed with good luck and a bountiful harvest. Failing to master the Chaff-quinox dance is a surefire way to end up in
a never-ending dance-off with the devil himself.
The inaugural installment of The Chaff seriously set The Chaff standard of super, sincere seriosity. From its humble beginnings, The Chaff would eventually go on to stake its claim as a supreme source of substantial, significant and supercilious sibilance in this specific sentence. Sip it in, Chaffies and Chafflemen, it’s a symposium of Chaff.
Yet, even amidst this jubilant atmosphere, a shadow loomed over the land. A great sickness had spread throughout the realm, causing many to fall ill and languish in their beds. The wise healers in “Medical Buildings” did labour tirelessly to provide relief to those afflicted, and the people did pray to the gods for deliverance from this scourge known as The Chafe. The stupid and quite very bad The Chafe.
In the midst of this turmoil, news did arrive from far-flung lands of great upheaval and strife. Wars and rumours of wars and
wars over rumours of wars did abound, and many did fear for the safety and security of their homes and families. The Chaffdom doth heeds the warning from President Nick Lutsko: “The men in the tunnels are coming!”
But lo, even amidst these dark days, there were rays of hope and goodness to be found. Communities did band together in acts of kindness and charity, providing aid and succor to those in need. And in the face of adversity, the human spirit did shine forth with courage and resilience. A petition circulated through the community to officially relegate all “bad weather” days to Wednesdays. But it has become clear that the petition is not going far enough. We need to cancel Wednesdays altogether. No longer shall we be slaves to “Hump Day”. No longer shall we be forced to conform to the weird and perverted spelling of that accursed day. Moving forward, we shall embrace a very long Tuesday and a longish Thursday as well. See you in the depths, Wednesdays. The unspeakable depths. Because as the saying goes, “The devil dances endlessly with Wednesdays in the depths.”
As we reflect upon the events of the past few weeks, we must acknowledge the gravity of the challenges we have faced. Our unwavering determination and steadfast resolve have carried us through the stormy waters of adversity, and for that, we should be proud. And so we look back upon these past weeks with a mix of solemnity and gratitude, knowing that we have weathered these challenges with strength and fortitude. May we continue to face the trials of the future with such grace and steadfastness.
In conclusion, dear readers, we hope you have enjoyed this week's edition of The Dog Chaff: The Chaff for Dogs. Remember, when it comes to Chaffing your furry friends, only the best will do. So, whether you prefer your Chaff finely ground or in large, crunchy nuggets, always choose The Chaff, not The Chafe, that will make your dog's tail wag with delight and the dog-devil’s tail dangle with despair. And if you're feeling particularly adventurous, why not try Chaffing your cat or hamster? Who knows, maybe they'll enjoy it too! Until next time, keep Chaffing, my friends.