It's time to talk seriously about the weather - Scott Stephenson editorial
Welcome back to The Chaff-eteria, where we serve up heaping trayfuls of pure, unadulterated Chaff to satisfy even your wildest cravings for the good stuff. That's right, folks, we have 100 per cent pure, undiluted The Chaff, with absolutely no Chiff, no Chuff, and definitely no Chorf! It's the real deal, endorsed by four out of five doctors as more effective than water for sustaining life on Earth. The fifth doctor? Well, they're probably just not getting enough The Chaff in their diet to make proper recommendations. Don't listen to that under-Chaffed charlatan!
This week’s The Chaff is taking aim at whoever is responsible for this April’s wacky weather and demanding accountability for the recent, unacceptable flip-flop from summer-like conditions on one day to blustery, wintry weather the next. I mean, seriously, what's up with that?
First of all, it's just too much too soon. Back in the day, we had a thing called springtime, when conditions would gradually improve over several weeks. Remember those days? You'd have plenty of time to put away your heavy winter clothing and bust out your lighter spring jackets. And if you were lucky, you might find some hidden treasures in the pockets, like a forgotten $5 bill or a half-pack of throat lozenges from last year. But with the current weather shenanigans, periods of proper spring weather are becoming less reliable and more inconsistent, meaning those hidden treasures might not see the light of day until much later, or worse, not at all. I mean, with the rate of inflation these days, that $5 bill forgotten in your pocket is worth even less than when you originally forgot you put it in there, seriously reducing your lozenge-buying power. It's a tragedy, folks!
And don't even get me started on the decision to sharply drop the temperature on a Monday. I mean, were the teachings of the great spiritual philosopher Garfield completely disregarded? According to Garfield, Mondays are the most hateable day of the entire week. Adding insult to injury with a sudden chill in the air is just cruel. What’s next, a full ban on lasagna?
Why not save all the bad weather for Wednesdays? It's a perfectly fine day for that kind of nonsense, if you ask me. In fact, there's even a petition circulating in the community to relegate all bad weather to Wednesdays. It's time to take a stand, folks! Add your name to the list and join the choir of rage singing the songs of complaining.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely in favour of some variation in the weather. It’s nice to have a warm day in the middle of November or an occasional gentle, cool rain in the typically hot summer months, but a nearly 30-degree temperature drop in April?! You’ve got to be kidding me.
Our political leaders have been conspicuously silent on this important issue. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has not made himself available to answer any of the questions I’ve been screaming toward him on my computer screen. Too woke, I guess.
Premier Doug Ford hasn’t been any better. He’s probably hosting a ton of “Sun and Snow Stag and Does” up at the “Fat Cat Cottage for the Over-Advantaged” and riding Ski-Doos all the darn day long, laughing at those of us suffering like suckers in the sun and then cold.
It's clear that the recent erratic weather patterns are unacceptable and disrupting our daily lives. The cruelty of chilly Mondays cannot be ignored. It's time for us to demand accountability and take action. We deserve a more reliable and enjoyable weather experience, and it's time for a change. Together, we can make a difference and ensure that April's weather is no longer a source of frustration, but a season of pleasant surprises full of Chiff, Chuff, and definitely lots of Chorf!