Monkey meat in the sausage? We'll see - Scott Stephenson editorial
As the great British spy guy, celebrated philanderer and definitely real person James Bond would say if he was the author of this column, “My name is Chaff…The Chaff. I will have a Chaff-ka Chaff-tini. Chaff-ken not Chaff-ed.”
Welcome back loyal Chaff-colytes (and disloyal Chafe-holes) for another slippery slap to the supple, sweet cheeks of the zeitgeist’s big brother Brad Bond - “My name is Bond. Brad Bond. I’m the zeitgeist’s big brother. Slap away!” Here at The Chaff our only aim is to wiggle around wildly to wobble up a hot waft of whatever it is that smells so weird right now. This week we’re sniffing behind the curtain and explicitly showing our sycophantic fanbase how The Chaff-sausage gets made week after week after week after week. Fortunately, despite many calls for an investigation into what credible witnesses have described as “rapidly declining sanitary conditions,” local health inspectors haven’t yet been able to stop The Chaff’s sausage production line from churning out quizzical, questionable and querulous content that can only be described as a deranged and incoherent collection of words and fake words awkwardly arranged to confuse, bemuse and perfuse, if you so choose. But for now, Betty Bond (Brad and the zeitgeist’s beloved auntie), it might be best to buckle up and buckle down because things are about to get… buckle-y.
The Chaff is written by a team of 16 people with the help of three feral animals (two weasels and a cat). The group - a coterie of crooked and crusty old creeps, a couple of celebrity child-convicts and the crassest collection of clowns you could ever imagine - routinely convenes at The Chaff’s headquarters (abandoned office space attached to the ReStore in Goderich)
four times a day, every third day, most months, during uneven years, in alternating decades, set to continue for the next couple of centuries, or possibly until the end of the Willennium.
The Chaff meetings are usually cantankerous and often disgusting; clothing is optional, blindfolds are provided but discouraged in an overtly threatening manner. Tiny riots break out often and the fire department says it won’t help squelch any more toilet fires or flaming sink clogs.
Ideas for Chaff topics are chosen through a variety of methods: telepathy, wrestling, riddles, digging, playing the game “Tic-Tac-Toe Two: Look Who’s ‘Toc’ing Now” - the sequel to “Tic-Tac-Toe'' where they introduce the concepts of “Tic-twists”,
“Tac-takeovers”, and “Toe-tugging” and debut controversial newcomer to the franchise and incorrigible “bad boy with a heart made out of moy” - “Toc” (played by disgraced frisbee-golfer Wally Burgdurnsurn). “Toc” is the bastard child of Tac and Toe, an
unwanted but not unexpected result of a night in Toronto after the 23rd annual “Tic-Tac-Toe Tournament and Bic-Bac-Buffet” held at the Brampton location of the Mandarin restaurant in 2019. Talks are currently underway to have the “X’s and O’s gang” crossover with playground classic “Tag” for an upcoming installment of the series.
Once an idea gets its wings, each writer contributes between 56 and 59 random words in any language that are then fed into an industrial literary blender that was illegally imported. The words are usually just a selection of swears, some obsolete and very upsetting circus jargon and a few obvious, but ultimately unaddressed, cries for help.
Next, trained engineers toggle the blender’s settings to “Maximum Chaff”, then the words begin to curdle, congeal and quickly form into a greasy gob of oozing goo that is mildly toxic and not suitable for human consumption, yet heavily sought after by many different kinds of monkeys who fiendishly crave “Monkey Chaff: The Chaff for Monkeys” because they are addicted to its overwhelming oaky scent and undeniable nutty flavour. (Quick note to all the haters spreading lies out there: Chaff scientists have pretty much proven that The Chaff is not harmful to monkeys. In fact, The Chaff’s leading monkey doctors and social media influencers say that most monkeys should, maybe, include a moderate, monkey-sized serving of two to three half-Chaffs (approximately 15 grams) per “monkey minute” (one “monkey minute” is, applying the Hydruian conversion theorem, equivalent to approximately 24 hours in human time).
In a quick interview with The Chaff, a very wise and respected member of the monkey community offered this poignant piece of monkey advice: “Take life one ‘monkey minute’ at a time because it’s important to live monkey-life in the monkey-present. Now go get me a copy of The Monkey Chaff or I’m going to go monkey-nuts and wreck this place!”