News from the Gentlemen's Club with The Kansas Farmer by Paul Nichol (Nov. 11)
Someone left a gi-normous zucchini in my mailbox today. I searched all over, but it had no postage stamp or return address anywhere. But I knew perfectly well where it came from. It was my arch-nemesis Mary Ann Thompson who put it there.
I rushed right into that hardware store of hers and had a confrontation. “Did you put that obnoxious green creature in my mailbox?” Sheepishly, she nodded yes. “You know I should sue you. We have a bylaw against that sort of thing. I spoke with the town hall in Seaforth. They told me this form of ‘drive-by gourding’ is illegal in Huron East.”
Mary Ann snapped back. “Yes, but I live in Morris-Turnberry, and for that matter, so does your mail-box. So it’s out of their jurisdiction. And you and I both know Trevor Hallam and his new council have no ability to enforce matters pertaining to squash.”
She had me there. Everyone knows nothing gets done in Morris-Turnberry anymore since Nancy Michie retired.
You might say this is all harmless; a little tiff between warring neighbours. Well, I have been doing some research from a very reliable source called the “World Wide Web” (insiders just call it the dubya dubya dubya). According to eye-witness accounts, these “pods” are known to transmogrify themselves into the very likeness of people you know. Could be your neighbour. Could be your best friend. Could be your spouse. Or even (saints preserve us), could be Betty Graber.
Telling the difference between the imposter and the real thing can be difficult. That confounded Mary Ann would have a hard time of it. Her Jeff is already a little green and spongy-looking, especially on weekends.
Make no mistake. These herbaceous things are alien and dangerous. In fact, I’ve heard testimonies that they can turn themselves into a putrid matter called “breads, loaves and muffins” that multiply quickly and are deathly toxic to human beings. To all reading this, I urge extreme caution. Lock your mailboxes! There are vegetables among us. And they are coming for you!