News from the Gentlemen's Club with The Kansas Farmer by Paul Nichol - Nov. 4, 2022
Now that the municipal elections are over, everyone has exercised their franchise and the threat of libel is diminished, Editor Shawn and I felt safe to proceed with this column. This is based on a possible story that could have been true.
The Mrs. and I were off to Wingham the other day. She was getting low on shoes with only 87 pairs left and needed to restock at the One-Step, Two-Step; Three-Step; Four. It was mid-morning and I was a little peckish, having nothing but steak, potatoes, toast and eggs for breakfast. So I sauntered over to the first restaurant I could find. It had flags and banners and sandwich boards. I figured it had to be good with all that bling going on.
I walked up to the door and had a look at the menu. The special that day was something called “Bleep Trudeau’ with a second of “If you Like Trudeau Then ‘Bleep’ You”. A rather odd dish I thought. It must come from Alberta or somewhere else. Anyway, I go in and sit at the counter. The proprietor asks me what I’ll have, and I says I want the special “Bleep Trudeau” with marmalade on the side.
“Oh a wise guy” he says. “I know a Trudeau lover when I see one. Listen you leftist, pinky communist so and so. If you aren’t going to order anything, then kindly leave.” So I ordered a cup of coffee. “Are you blind to all the government corruption?” he says. Still waiting for my coffee I remarked that I had heard a rumour that Cowbell had paid off all the North Huron Councillors to ensure their premises were front and centre on that controversial new Blyth mural. Twelve cases of beer for every Councillor. But I confessed I couldn’t substantiate it. I also mentioned that I was still looking for my coffee.
“Exactly!” he says. “Absolute power corrupts absolutely!” Looking for some common ground, I agreed, mentioning that having thought of it, with all the resources at their disposal, Cowbell didn’t really look out for the little guys like me. They really needed to come out with a good pilsner. That also reminded me of the cup of coffee that was yet to touch my lips.
“Listen fella, if you know what’s good for you, vote for me this next election.” I considered it and asked him what he stood for. “What do I stand for!? My slogan is ‘If You Give a Bleep, Vote for Buck!’” I had to admit that was a pretty compelling platform, but if only he could make it rhyme better.
Anyway, to end the story, I had to inform the aspiring councillor that I could not vote for him as I resided in Huron East. He replied “Good heavens you poor man! And we think we have problems in Wingham.”
I never did get my coffee.