News from The Gentlemen's Club with The Kansas Farmer curated by Paul Nichol - Jan. 13

I should have run for mayor last year. But hindsight is only 20/20. Had I only known of the “extensive powers” that Uncle Doug and his Tories were going to give to mayors, it would have been far more enticing. Mind you, I’m sure Bernie MacLellan would still have put up a good showing.

 

Anyway, it got me to thinking. If I was Mayor of Huron East, how would I wield these new kingly powers? The obvious ones came to mind immediately: Power of Taxation, Power of Judicial, Power of Veto, Power of Attorney, Power of Take-Off and Power of Rangers.

 

After that, I would get rid of all these silly councils, boards and committees we have in Huron East. They keep getting in the way, giving input and expressing opinions and stuff like that. If there’s one thing I learned from Jan Hawley, it’s the best committees consist of one person. And that person would be me.

 

Once things have been streamlined at town hall, I would focus my attention on Logan’s Mill. My plan would be to turn it into my very own Riverside Palace, complete with gilded fences, a royal carriage and a grand casino. And I’ll tell you something else. No arrogant conservation authority, no stuffy fisheries and oceans, no Huron Hysterical Society, and no be-cursed planning department could interfere and tell me what to do. Uncle Doug promises!

 

Next, I’ve been watching that ‘Poutine’ fellow. Now there’s someone who knows how to run an outfit. On that note, I would invade Morris Township and pave over all of that farmland to put cheap houses on it. I expect there is still a Garniss or two around to put up a fight, but even they couldn’t stop me with all their political connections. Morris was supposed to be ours in the first place - then Nancy Michie got in the way. And just like the United Nations! Huron County Council won’t have the guts to stand up and do anything about it.

 

I suppose I should give consideration to finding an able administrator, kind of a Grand Poohbah/Vice-Roy sort of person who could help me run my empire. Maybe I could bring Brad Knight or Donna White out of retirement. I would ask the aforesaid Nancy Michie, but that would be nepotism.

 

Finally, as His Royal Majesty of the Duchy of Huron East, I would abolish all municipal taxes. This would be followed immediately by a decree to raise all royal tithes. 

 

It’s a long way off to the next election. I sure hope the Tories don’t repeal the legislation before then.

 

Truthfully Yours
TKF.