News from The Gentlemen's Club with The Kansas Farmer - Curated by Paul Nichol (Nov. 18)
Dear Readers, this is an original column from 1968. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent or the guilty.
This morning I went down to the Sinners’ Club at the Queen’s, where I was insulted, cursed, abused and threatened. To compare that unhealthy half-wit aggregation of hooligans with human beings would be like comparing a field of red clover with a pasture of thorns and stink weed - or a glass of nice French wine with Old Doc Hawthorne’s hooch (or my sweet violin music with the screeches of Tiny Tim).
It got me to thinking: does a man’s brain become adapted to the work he does? For instance: does Archer Grewar have a brain that’s wrinkled like a wilted turnip or a decayed cabbage? Does Al Logan get dizzy thoughts in his head from watching that water wheel all day? Does Bun Willis suffer from gooey bread dough on the brain? Is Frank Thompson’s just full of baloney? Does Jack McCutcheon’s look like a blob of axle grease?
Speaking of McCutcheon, somebody oughta tell that overblown grease monkey that his wheel-base is too short, spark plugs weak, battery needs charging, he’s got a wobble in his rear end, too much wind in the tires and too much alcohol in the radiator.
That reminds me. I was up to see Hughie Pearson the other day. He has recently paid a fortune for a race horse. I wanted to see for myself if it would amount to much. Well, I gave Hughie some advice and told him it was for his own good. The gaskins were eight-and-a-half inches too short on the off side and six-and-seven-thirds inches too long on the nigh side; one foot too high on the front and six inches too low on the rear. Hugh, always the diplomat, replied. “Thanks for the advice. Now here’s some for you. It’s for your own good. Your belly is 11-and-a-half inches too big around and six inches too low down. Your head is too bald and you suffer from too much hot air.”
As for horses, take a good look at Ivan Campbell, the Dean of Sinners. If ever a human resembled a horse, it’s him - that is, the south end when the horse is facing north. The only difference is a horse has a tail and Ivan has a moustache. I will admit he’s good with animals. Last year, he bought himself a miniature donkey to pull the cart. After months of training, they have become as nice a pair of asses as you will ever see.
Sorry folks. I will have to keep it at that. I don’t have enough space to give you the facts on all those other sinners from Brussels. Next week’s feature will be on the new Town Council: will they act insane or be just plain stupid?