News from The Gentlemen's Club with The Kansas Farmer - Curated by Paul Nichol (Nov. 25)
I was driving at the north end of town the other day and came upon two gentlemen carrying a large object out of the back of a truck. As I got closer, I realized my mistake. Turns out it was King William III and his neighbour Bumpy Beuermann. They looked to be hauling something about the size of a pool table with a “CostMo’” label stamped on the box.
I asked, “is this a new henhouse? You know they won’t let you have chickens anymore because of the bird flu.” “No” says King with a sigh. “It’s our new T.V.”
“I thought you were getting pretty tight with your money these days. Aren’t you still paying for that costly trip you made to China a few years back to eat pickled chicken toes and look at communistic generators?” He just shrugged and said he was at his wit’s end.
You see, Tammy had her heart set on this new Smart T.V. because it was hi-fi, low-fly, flat-top, ultravision, rear projection and turbo-charged. It could bring in signals from Sputnik, SkyLab and most of the Elon Musk flights. It was calibrated to the atomic clock in Ottawa and could also help her spy on Charlie Hoy. The Campbells had one. The Wheelers had one. And even the Johnny Waynes had one. (The Nichols did not have one, as they still resort to rabbit ears.” How could the Kings ever hope to entertain again and not be ashamed?
I reminded Bill that he was still paying off that staggering loan from Community Futures at 200 per cent interest, compounded daily. And those scoundrels show no mercy.
Didn’t matter. “What Tam wants, Tam gets.” “You mean you gave in just like that?” “No. No. No.” he shook his head. “But I’ve taken all a man can take.”
“She started with the cold treatment. Cold breakfast, cold lunch, cold supper, cold bed and cold shoulder. Then she went on strike and refused to clean the house. Pretty soon the place looked like the inside of Donny McNeil’s garage. I held up best I could, but then she threw in the clinker. She said if I didn’t buy her that T.V., she was going to invite Marianne Bone to come live with us.”
Now, Bumpy is always the problem to the solution - I mean, the solution to the problem. He says, “you know Bill how you are always sneaking away to NASCAR with your girlfriend? Think of the gas, and the sleazy motel, all those drinks and the silk stockings you have to buy her. I hear with these new contraptions, it’s virtual 3D T.V. - just like being there on the track, even right behind the wheel.”
“Whoa,” says the King. “You mean it’s like I could still be at the race but save on all that money? Plus the ‘Honey’ thing has kind of cooled off between us. She’s got her sights on Campbell now. Well fellas, that seals it. Let’s get this thing up on the wall and put TSN on right away!”
Bump saves another marriage in Brussels. (Not sure what that does for his plus-minus average.)