News from The Gentlmen's Club with The Kansas Farmer curated by Paul Nichol (Dec. 9)
Hard to believe that our neighbours to the south, the Disunited States of America, are already through the mid-term primaries. That got me to thinking, our next provincial election is really only around the corner. I’ve always aspired to politics, so I let it be known that if any party thought I was useful or ornamental, I would be willing to stand. Well, the only response I got was from the Wild Rose Party of Alberta. Seems they have spotted an opportunity to put their footprint in Ontario now that Uncle Doug has swung so far to the left.
I told them I was game, but I didn’t think I could sell the Wild Rose brand in this riding on account of they don’t really grow so well around here. We needed something more in the local vernacular biosphere, a little more aggressive, like the Scotch Thistle Party. Now that was a brand we could all get behind.
Anyway, I decided to find out what my chances were if I were to run for provincial parliament on the Scotch Thistle ticket, so I went out to get some advice from key movers and shakers.
I first went to my political mentor David Blaney. As always, he was insightful and overly profuse with his advice. “The key to politics” he says, “is to fool those poor dumb people into thinking that you are way smarter than they are. I suggest that you practise taking the smallest idea possible and couching it into the largest five-dollar words you can muster. Always works like a charm for me.”
Next, I spoke with my life-long close friend and confidant Joe Seili, a seasoned veteran of local politics. He told me “I’ve never heard of you; I don’t know who you are; and I don’t care what you stand for. But you can’t possibly be any worse than what we’ve got at Queen’s Park” I took that as an endorsement.
The unwashed masses were next on my list of key informants. Doreen Cardiff at the Liquid Control Board asked me how much I would pay her not to divulge my drinking habits to the public. I remarked that was of no consequence to me. I might lose the temperance vote, but most constituents in these parts would applaud my efforts.
Doug Sholdice had some particularly good advice: “Why don’t you try for the Senate? You’re about the right age, practically useless, and don’t need any brains for the job.”
Chantally Lace at the groceteria asked me, if elected, would it take me out of town a great deal of the time? I nodded yes and she replied “Then, I’m all for it!”
Kathy Nichol said she wouldn’t likely vote for me if it interfered with a PTA meeting at the school that evening. Likewise, Perry Pearce said it mustn’t interfere with Lions Club business. And Murray Lowe explained that it depended on the number of haircuts he had to ruin that day.
Lastly, I approached my favorite sister-in-law Gayle Prout and she exclaimed “I wouldn’t vote for you if George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Sir John A. all appeared in person and told me to do so.”
Well, I seem to have made one point clear. If I do run for office, I will not have as big a majority as Lisa Thompson. Oh well, I suppose nobody can beat her anyway.
Truthfully Yours
TKF.