November is a greenthumb's dream come true - Scott Stephenson editorial
Greetings gardeners, gardenees, gardenistas, gardentists, garden creatures like ants, snails and worms, and all those who stand on garden for thee - welcome back to The Chaff, your number-one source for being numero uno, or as the French say, “We’re number un!”
Today, we’re giving you the straight dirt on how to enjoy your little piece of soil heaven - also known as your backyard - during the finest month of the year for gardening: November.
It’s a matter of public record that November was originally named during the anti-vember movement of the last-half of the first century after the turn of the common millenium. November is known to most, in some hemispheres, as Yesvember. ‘Yes’, from the affirmative meaning yes, and ‘Vember’ meaning “garden” in the language employed by the Vemberites, a pre-postfictional people of the Vemberarian mountain ranges of the coastal interior region of the southern continental slide.
November is accepted and widely celebrated as the number-one time of the year for growing your greenthumb to dangerous extremes. Friends, family, neighbours and strangers alike will soon be expressing concern over the unnatural size of your terrifying greenthumb! That is, of course, only if you follow all of the vital and obviously reliable advice we’re offering about gardening to a tee, cee, bee, or all three (for a very small fee).
By following the following simple-to-follow tips, soon to follow, you will have all of your followers saying, “Yikes! You should really get that greenthumb looked at!” Feel free to follow all, follow most, or follow none of the following rules, which are all, first and foremost, followable for followers and followers of followers or followers without followers but not for those who follow-not-at-all. For all those who feel that following feeling, follow on!
The following are The Chaff’s tips, twerks and tweaks for getting absolutely nasty out there in your Yesvember garden:
The Perfection of Frost Integration
While it may seem counterintuitive, the arrival of frost is not a hindrance, but an opportunity. The calculated embrace of frost serves as a natural catalyst for enriching the soil. By allowing the earth to experience this seasonal transformation, we unintentionally nourish our gardens with a unique blend of elements that contribute to the overall health of the soil structure.
Picture yourself in the midst of a frosty meditation retreat, surrounded by the zen-like serenity of your garden. The gentle crunch of frozen leaves beneath your boots becomes the soundtrack to your moment of horticultural nirvana. Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale the essence of autumn, and exhale your stress like a deciduous tree letting go of its leaves.
The application of mulch transcends mere aesthetics. It serves as a protective barrier against the impending winter chill, safeguarding your plants from temperature fluctuations and potential frost heave. This strategic layering of organic material is not a whimsical act, but a pragmatic measure in horticultural engineering.
Raking leaves? How about creating the coziest leaf pile lounging spot in town? Dive into your meticulously crafted leaf mountain and let the autumnal aroma envelop you like a fragrant hug. It’s not just a pile of leaves; it’s your rustic, organic recliner.
The Thoughtful Compost Symphony
Within the confines of the compost heap, a symphony of microbial activity takes place. This microbial orchestration, far from being a frivolous affair, is a cornerstone of sustainable gardening practices. The decomposition process generates heat, which not only accelerates the breakdown of organic matter but also contributes to the overall well-being of your soil.
Who needs a spa day when your compost pile doubles as a natural sauna? Embrace the warmth of decomposing organic matter as you sit back and relax amidst the steamy symphony of microbial activity. Your compost, the unsung hero of relaxation, soothes both your plants and your weary soul. Just be sure to bring your cucumber slices - they’ll thank you later.
Just get a shovel and start digging. The ground isn’t quite frozen yet, so what are you waiting for? It’s not going to dig itself, so you have to do the digging. Go on, dig!
As we venture into the wild and wacky world of Yesvember gardening, let us applaud the anti-vember rebels for gifting us this peculiarly-named month. In the grand Yesvember tradition, dance to the beat of your own rake.
May your greenthumb tower above the rest, and may your garden be the talk of the town. Happy gardening, or as the French might say, “Que votre pouce vert soit toujours en votre faveur!” (May your greenthumb be ever in your favour!)