Time to get serious with 'The Chaff' - Scott Stephenson editorial

Welcome to “The Chaff”, a weekly column that is definitely completely serious and totally dedicated to being absolutely and fully serious about all of the most serious and important and serious issues affecting us, seriously, all of the, very serious, time. The level of seriousness contained in this column should be considered alarming to readers. Set your seriosity-detecting machines to their most serious setting because things are about to get super, certainly not silly, serious. 

 

I can tell you that being serious all the time is an absolute joy! I mean, who needs laughter and happiness when you can have a furrowed brow and a stern look on your face at all times? I take being serious so seriously that I don't even know any jokes. Never heard any, not interested in hearing any, thank you very much. Too busy being serious.

 

I wake up every morning and immediately start thinking about all the things that need to be taken seriously. Is the world going to end? Is there a new disease on the horizon? What about the economy? These are the things that really matter, right?
I find that being serious all the time really helps me connect with other people. I mean, who wants to be around someone who is laughing and having fun all the time? That’s just annoying. Instead, I prefer to hang out with people who are always worried about the future and constantly stressed out. It really helps to create a sense of camaraderie and togetherness.
And let’s not forget about the health benefits of being serious all the time. Laughter is overrated. It just causes wrinkles and makes your abs hurt. But being serious? That's good for your blood pressure, right? At least, I think it is. I'm too busy being serious to bother looking up the science behind it.

 

When I hit the dance floor, I’m all business. I stand up straight, I keep my arms at my sides, and I move my feet with a purpose. Some might say that I look a little bit robotic, but I prefer to think of it as a display of my intense seriosity and dedication to a dour style of dancing.

 

Of course, this approach to dancing doesn’t always win me a lot of fans. People tend to prefer dancers who are a bit more loosey-goosey, shall we say. But that’s just not my style.

 

Still, I like to think that there's something impressive about watching a person dance with such seriousness and commitment. It’s like I’m saying, “I’m not just here to have fun. I’m here to dance like my life depends on it.”

 

And who knows? Maybe one day, my serious dance moves will catch on and become the new hot trend. Maybe people will start saying, “Did you see that guy dancing? He was so serious! That’s the way to do it.”

 

Of course, there are a few downsides to being serious all the time. People might mistake you for being grumpy or uptight. Some say seriousness is a slippery slope to irascibility and cantankerousness. But I say, Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon 
were massive movie stars with full sex-appeal on display in the Grumpy Old Men movie series. I think all the kids today 
would agree that if Lemmon and Mathau were still around, they’d look at me and say, “Kid, you’ve got what it takes to be serious all the time. Keep it up!”

 

In conclusion, if you’re not taking everything seriously all the time, then what are you even doing with your life? Get with the program, people! Let’­s all be serious together and make the world a better place. Or, you know, at least a more serious place.