A beacon of authenticity in a world full of 'Chaff' - Scott Stephenson editorial
Pumpkin-folk, squash oglers and other ornery gourd enthusiasts, welcome back to The Pumpkin, blah, blah, blah, who cares? It’s hard to remain focused this week because we’re being investigated by the freaking Integrity Commissioner because a lot of people have been saying that The Pumpkin is actually just The Chaff. The fact is, for those willing to unflinchingly face the fearless facts without flailing or failure, these are lies lied by liars and, frankly, we will not wilt by on the sidelines any longer whilst these liars lay their lies from here to yonder, lingering locally forevermore with a stink for the ages to interpret and condemn. Condemn as lies.
As the old saying goes, “A pumpkin ‘tis a chaff not be.” As we all know, most old sayings are just a bunch of nonsensical words woven together by some philandering old weirdo who is frequently seen teetering in a meadow, reeking of pumpkin brandy on a sunny afternoon. That’s how wisdom works.
There’s a lot of truth in that saying. “A pumpkin ‘tis a chaff not be.” In fact, its truth is perfectly irrefutable! Anyone who deems it to be futable will feel the entire ire, fire and totality of “bad vibes only” from us here at The Pumpkin until the end of time, rhyme and ClickityClock brand’s line of TockMasters Plus Future Clocks featuring gold-tinged tickers, turbo-charged tockers, and the deadliest deliverer of big, old, bursting ***Ding Dongs*** that you ever did-done imagine hearing since the very bebop beginning of bing-bonging-bells, an incredible, audible innovation invented in, some say, heaven (but don’t hold that against them).
Please accept our apologies, cursed readers, as we became temporarily diverted from our point by the embedded advertising we sold to ClickityClock brand to help us pay for the rapidly accumulating Integrity Commissioner-related legal bills steadily piling up around the hellscape we call an office. We here at The Pumpkin maintain, steadfastly and fastly, with stead, that we are The Pumpkin, and definitely not The Chaff. We hereby banish all further Chaff-cusations upon our humble publication, or pumpkin-lication as we call it around here because we’re cute AF (as fire).
Why would something good even be called The Chaff? That’s a stupid name for a column. Pumpkins are noble and naturally bestowed with vegetable charisma and leadership qualities. Some of the greatest leaders in history have been pumpkins and that’s something on which we all agree. It’s one of the main touchstones of our civilization.
So, to all you discerning readers, who have chosen to stay on this journey with us despite the swirling controversies and legal kerfuffle, we extend our heartfelt gratitude. Your support stokes the flames of our relentless mission to uphold the orange standard of truth, whimsy, and infernal wisdom here at The Pumpkin.
In the face of this Integrity Commissioner’s scrutiny and the relentless accusations of being The Chaff, we stand firm like a well-rooted pumpkin vine, resolute in our commitment to bringing you the most insightful, entertaining and pumpkin-centric content known to human- and pumpkinkind.
As we navigate these treacherous waters, we beseech you, dear readers, to join us in defending The Pumpkin. We are not merely a pumpkin-lication; we are a lighthouse amidst the abyss that is today's media landscape.
Now, enough of these gloomy musings; let us turn our gaze towards brighter days ahead, brimming with pumpkin-spiced machinations and the alluring siren song of ClickityClock’s TockMasters Plus Future Clocks, a tune that promises to usher us further into the depths of our harmonious future. Together, we shall overcome these damning allegations and celebrate the irrefutable truth that a pumpkin, without a doubt, ‘tis not a chaff.
So, dear pumpkin-adians, squash-mericans and gourd-ians of the galaxy, stay tuned for more delightful pumpkin-lications to come, and remember, we're here to provide you with the gourd-tastic news and stories that truly matter in this world. Let the skeptics scoff and the doubters doubt, but The Pumpkin will forever shine as a beacon of authenticity, for pumpkins, my friends, are the epitome of all things noble, charismatic and leadership-worthy.
A disappointing note to readers who were getting excited about attending the upcoming “Bite Bite Suck Suck” party being thrown by a local group of vampires. Unfortunately, due to a COVID-19 outbreak in the vampire community, the event is being postponed. Organizers are disappointed with this result, but believe firmly that the health of the community is paramount. For now, keep your necks washed and watch this space for future updates on rescheduling.
Well, that’s it for The Pumpkin this week. We wish you all a very happy, prosperous and endlessly haunted Friday the 13th. It is one of the most important days to reflect on the contributions that old-timey goalie masks and machetes have made in our community.
THE END IS HERE!