A spin through the Integrity's Commissioner's Report - Scott Stephenson editorial

The Integrity Commissioner’s Report on whether The Pumpkin is actually just The Chaff is complete and provided in its entirety below:

 

Investigating Officer: Dervid Hamson
Executive Summary:
This report delves into the complex interplay between The Pumpkin and The Chaff, a seemingly ludicrous expedition into the realm of newspaper columns. Our primary objective is to dissect the perplexing origins, authorship and the inexplicable transformation leading to the emergence of The Pumpkin.

 

Introduction:
The inception of this inquiry was spurred by a surge in public conjecture. A significant portion of the populace has put forth the notion that The Pumpkin is an incongruous offshoot of The Chaff. The persistence of these claims prompted our intervention. This peculiar narrative commences on Sept. 22, 2023 when Scott Stephenson’s column, The Chaff, curiously invited the Devil to comment on the phenomenon of autumn tree colour change. Subsequently, an enigmatic sequence of events unfolded, culminating in the creation of The Pumpkin, allegedly authored by a nervous young demon from Hell named Ignatius Grimwort.

 

Findings:
Existence of The Chaff: Our investigation definitively affirms the existence of The Chaff as a newspaper column authored by Scott Stephenson. Known for its unconventional and idiosyncratic approach to diverse subjects, this column predates the advent of The Pumpkin.
Existence of The Pumpkin: Contrary to the assertions made by The Pumpkin that it has always been the exclusive column, our inquiry challenges this narrative. It appears that The Pumpkin is a relatively recent addition to the newspaper landscape, with no verified existence preceding the events leading to its emergence.
Identity of Ignatius Grimwort: In the course of our investigation, we have unearthed substantial information pertaining to Ignatius Grimwort. He emerges as a figure endowed with knowledge and capacities that defy the norms of human comprehension. His role in the transition from The Chaff to The Pumpkin is an essential revelation.
Transformation of Scott Stephenson: Our inquiry suggests a transformation so surreal that it transcends conventional understanding. It is believed that Ignatius Grimwort assumed control of Scott Stephenson’s body and identity, resulting in the creation of The Pumpkin. The precise mechanisms governing this transformation remain an enigma.
Investigative Process and the Unveiling of Ignatius Grimwort: Our investigative process involved a scrupulous analysis of historical records, column archives and interviews with individuals intimately connected to both The Chaff and The Pumpkin. The process included a comprehensive examination of the language, style and content of both columns, highlighting disparities and parallels that confound conventional logic.
The turning point in our investigation materialized during an exclusive interview with the Devil himself. The Devil, while maintaining his characteristic cryptic demeanour, significantly contributed to our comprehension of the situation. He was also quite hilarious and very, very charming. Really cool guy! After the interview, we just hung out and chilled for, like, three or four hours.

 

Recommendations:
Clarification of Authorship: To alleviate the bewilderment surrounding the column’s origins, we recommend that those responsible for The Pumpkin provide a lucid and transparent account of its authorship and editorial structure. This measure is imperative to dispel any misconceptions.
Further Investigation: Given the convoluted circumstances, the involvement of the Devil (shout out, bro!) and Ignatius Grimwort, and Scott Stephenson’s transformation that eludes comprehension, we strongly advocate for an extended investigation. This is essential to substantiate the claims and plunge deeper into the depths of this baffling scenario.
Collaboration on The Chumpkin: In an endeavour to reconcile the absurdities brought to light through this investigation, it is recommended that Scott Stephenson and Ignatius Grimwort collaborate on a column, tentatively titled The Chumpkin. This unusual collaboration may provide an opportunity to unravel the mysteries that surround their respective columns.

 

Conclusion:
The mystery enveloping The Pumpkin and The Chaff endures. The circumstances of their creation, Ignatius Grimwort’s involvement, and Scott Stephenson’s transformation are as confounding as an abstract artwork. Further investigation is warranted to fathom the deeper layers of this inexplicable situation. In the spirit of co-operation, the recommendation for a joint column, The Chumpkin, is extended in the hope of unraveling the mysteries that underlie this peculiar narrative.

 

THIS IS THE END… OF REPORT