All 'Pumpkin' and no 'Chaff' makes Scott a dull boy - 'Scott Stephenson' editorial
Pumpkins and salutations one and all. Welcome back to another edition of The Pumpkin, your number one, very good source for all the pumpk-INs and pumpk-OUTs of the gorgeous gourd that’s got it all - the pumpkin! It’s high time we lit the wick to get our Jack ready to start o-lanterning, so put on your Personal Pumpkin Equipment (PPE) and let’s get pulpy.
First of all, some of you might be wondering ‘what happened to The Chaff?’ Well, the truth is, The Chaff never existed. That’s right, we here at The Pumpkin think that you’ve obviously inhaled fumes from a gas-fueled light source or maybe you’ve watched too many Ingrid Bergman movies and your brain has turned into a rotten pile of pumpkin purée, but the fact is The Chaff, whatever that is, doesn’t exist! You’re probably just thinking of something you read in The Pumpkin. There are so many great things in The Pumpkin that it’s hard to keep track of everything. But one thing we can keep track of is that The Chaff definitely doesn’t exist and never did, but The Pumpkin is 100 per cent real and you’re reading it! Good for you.
Oh, now we remember what you’re probably thinking of - there was a really funny political cartoon that we published in The Pumpkin a few weeks ago depicting some sickly stalk of wheat sneezing but instead of producing the sound typically associated with a sneeze - “Achoo” - the wheat’s sneeze actually sounded more like “A Chaff”. Very funny, very edgy stuff. It’s the kind of thing you’ve come to expect from The Pumpkin and would never expect from The Chaff because you can’t expect anything from something that doesn’t exist.
Now that we’ve cleared up your confusion about the column that’s always been the caretaker here - The Pumpkin - let’s harvest the latest Power Patch Power Rankings: Coming in at number one once again this week is pumpkins. The number two spot goes to buttercup squash. Surprisingly this week, acorn squash leapfrogged, or pumpkin jumped as it’s known colloquially, over butternut squash to take the third spot with beleaguered butternut tumbling all the way down to fifth in the rankings. Spaghetti squash rose two spots to finish in a very respectable fourth place. With the weather set to flop hard next week, the Power Patch Power Rankings are probably pretty unpredictable at this point but our money is on pumpkins to continue their domination and hang on to the top spot.
We have a very exciting offer for those looking to cram more The Pumpkin into their eyes without having to undergo painful and costly eye-enlarging surgery. If you are willing to permanently sign over your soul to The Pumpkin, you can enjoy our content 24 hours a day, seven days a week for the rest of your pathetic… er… ummm… Pumpkin empathetic, yeah, that’s the ticket, your pumpkin empathetic life will be filled with a plethora of pumpkin pleasures previously unparalleled. Act now and we’ll add an additional hour and another full day - you read that right - The Pumpkin can be yours 25 hours a day, eight days a week for the low, low, low, insignificant price of your measly soul. What a deal! Sign here:______________________ and send the eternally binding contract to The Pumpkin (not The Chaff) ℅ North Huron Publishing 405 Queen Street, Blyth, ON N0M 1H0. All souls are welcomed even if they are caked in dirt or soaked in fluids.
This week we are thrilled to include a special feature about a very cool community of goblins that have been squatting unnoticed in a dilapidated local barn for the better part of a decade. In fact, the very barn they inhabit was one of the barns rendered by Blyth-based artist Kelly Stevenson as part of her “How Far I’ve Goblins” exhibit. The farm goblins have been multiplying at a rate that can only be described as “relentless and horrifying”. They are poised to do some serious damage to local crops and livestock this month and The Pumpkin is here for it! Good for you, little goblins! Get it!
In other news, a local coven of witches has raised some very scary money by casting spells and brewing some extremely pungent potions. They are supporting a group of young demons and demonettes who are taking their first field trip away from the fiery depths to visit Orlando! Have fun and be unsafe, ya little imps!
Don’t forget the Pumpkin Hitchcock Film Festival is fast approaching. This year’s lineup includes Pumpkins on a Train, Dial P for Pumpkin, Rear Pumpkin, Pumpigo, Pump by Pumpkin, Pumpo, and The Pumpkins. Don’t miss out on this fabulous feast of pumpkin fright classics!
Have any ghosts been haunting your home or garden that are making a negative and scary difference in your life? We want to hear about it here at The Pumpkin. We will be featuring a different ghost, spectre or phantasm every week for the rest of the month.
That’s it for this week’s The Pumpkin. We hope you enjoyed everything from the stem until the end. And one thing you can be sure of is…THE END IS HERE!