Bleep, bloop, bleep, bloop, common sense... - Scott Stephenson editorial
Welcome back, dear readers, to another edition of The Chaff, where we separate the wheat from the conspiracy theories. This week, we’re diving headfirst into the wacky world of Canadian politics, where the leader of the Conservative Party of Canada, Pierre Poilievre, seems to have sprouted his very own set of tin-foil antennae.
Rumour has it that our esteemed Conservative leader has been brushing up on his sci-fi classics, and not just for his bedtime reading or book club of one. Whispers in the corridors of power suggest that Poilievre is more than just a politician; he’s the latest model in the World Economic Forum’s line of conspiracy-promoting automatons. That’s right, Canada’s Leader of the Official Opposition is… A robot!
According to the hush-hush sources, Poilievre was crafted in a secret factory deep in the Swiss Alps by the World Economic Forum itself. Why, you ask? To spread awareness about the World Economic Forum, of course! It’s a brilliant ploy: instead of pamphlets and PowerPoints, they’ve enlisted their very own automaton, programmed to spout eyebrow-raising theories about global agendas and secret handshakes. Forget about campaigning, Poilievre’s primary function is to be a walking, talking billboard for Davos, complete with a detachable tin-foil hat. Spectacles not included.
And let’s not forget our Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, who seems to be holographically projected straight out of a terrible sci-fi nightmare. Is it really him waving from the podium, or are we just watching an elaborate light show? Either way, he’s mastered the art of the hologram handshake, a feat that even the most advanced tech wizards would envy. But hey, who needs flesh and bones when you can have pixels and projectors?
They say (and “they” are always a reliable source, especially when “they” are “saying”) Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau only just learned the real truth behind her husband of 18 years and our holographic head of government. Considering news of their separation was recently announced, it’s pretty easy to connect the dots as to what happened. I pray, every day, that Sophie can come to terms with the fact that her children are half-human, half-hologram hybrids who will undoubtedly face discrimination from anti-light factions lurking in the shadows.
Let’s not forget about NDP leader Jagmeet Singh. It’s pretty obvious to anyone paying attention that he is just two children doing a “Little Rascals” where one sits on the other’s shoulders and they wear an adult-sized suit to conceal the fact that they are really just two children under there. How does it make you feel to know, for a fact, that the so-called supply and confidence agreement keeping this sham-fraud-hoax-fake-not real-stupid-very bad-ugly government propped up is a deal done between a hologram and two children in an adult-sized suit wearing a fake beard? It should make you feel so messed up that the only remaining option is to scream and convulse, letting strands of frothing saliva flow freely from your wrenching and clenched jaws like a dog experiencing the throes of a rabies infection before a merciful bullet wraps the wretched creature in the welcoming embrace of death. That’s how it should make you feel.
And what about Maxime Bernier? Alien enthusiasts, unite! We’re not talking about little green men here; we’re talking about the leader of the People’s Party of Canada. With his alien-like charisma and out-of-this-world ideas, it’s no wonder he’s got the conspiracy theorists’ tongues wagging. Who would’ve thought that the key to intergalactic diplomacy was opening a rally with a talk on border control?
But wait, there’s more! It appears that cloning technology isn’t reserved for sci-fi novels alone. Enter Deputy Conservative Leader Melissa Lantsman, a purported clone of none other than Pierre Poilie-bot himself. Yes, the Conservatives are apparently so impressed with their fearless robot leader that they’ve decided to replicate him, much like a scientist growing petri dish peas or an astronaut growing potatoes on Mars. It’s our very own Multiplicity.
So, there you have it, folks, a tantalizing tale of robots, holograms, aliens, two children wearing an adult-sized suit and robo-clones in the Canadian political arena. Is there a kernel of truth in these ludicrous speculations? Yes. The fattest darn kernel you’ve ever envisioned in your wildest kernel dreams or most erotic kernel nightmares. “Mr. Kernel-President, nobody has ever touched me there. I’m very afraid. But also aroused.”
One thing’s for sure: as long as politics is served with a side of conspiracy, we here at The Chaff will be ready to sift through the absurdities and serve up a hearty helping of truthful and accurate analysis. Until next week, keep those antennae twitching and your holographic handshakes firm!