Don't know where to go? Read this... - Scott Stephenson editorial
Despite the best efforts of The Chaff’s crack team of chemically unbalanced agents at the Department of Month Prevention, September slipped in sideways and surreptitiously snuck in through August’s unsecured backdoor. Reports indicate that September, sometimes referred to as Lil’ Tembie, plans to stick around for 30 days of mischief, mayhem, and maybe, if we’re lucky, some good, old-fashioned monkey business.
Lil’ Tembie is the time of year when everybody is thinking about the same thing: vacation plans! Jetsetters and setjetters alike are setting up their jetting plans and jetting down their setting plans all the way to the world’s most whimsical, wild and Whoomp! (There it is) destinations across the globe and beyond. There’s been an awful lot of big, bellowing buzz blasting loose and belching free on popular social media platform TwiXster. Insufferable TwiXsterers everywhere are stoked about their vacay plans and word is spreading uncontrollably, like a faulty toilet spewing sewage, about the sassy, sumptuous and sordid holiday destinations that are most in-demand. That’s why this week, The Chaff is your factual guide to actual places that really exist that you and the people you love could travel to in a plane, train, tractor or trolley.
Do you love getting sunburnt to the point where your family doctor won’t return your calls? Say “aloe” to the city the sun called “a bit much” - Scumscorch, Arizona. Ugly People magazine ranked Scumscorch number one for most-ugliest people, a fact that the fine folks of Scumscorch wear proudly on their faces.
Rodents are not only on the menu in Scumscorch - they’re also in the mayor’s office. Be sure to pack your appetite and head on over to Rudolpho’s Rat Meat BBQ Shack and Sauna at 666 Chapel Street to sample their signature, slightly rancid, rat meat BBQ platter. Tell Rudolpho The Chaff sent you and that he will get his money as soon as the ink is dry on the Blyth Festival contracts for The Chaff: The Play, The Chaff: The Play II - Hamson’s Chaff, and The Chaff: The Play III - Ménage-a-Chaff (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Chaff). Theatre critics across the country are already saying that it’s the greatest trilogy ever associated with the Blyth Festival. Thank you for your bravery, Gil Garratt!
After stuffing your gut with succulent rat meat for lunch, make sure to visit City Hall to meet Scumscorch’s actual mayor - Gordy “the Gopher” Grubbins. Don’t let the nickname fool you, Grubbins is actually a groundhog who swept into office on a far-right populist platform. The trains run on time in Scumscorch!
If heat stroke doesn’t stroke your boat then why not consider the slopes, and more specifically, hitting them. Picture this: You are choking on rage and beside yourself with anger. All of a sudden, the slopes show up acting like they are the king of the world. Overcome with an animalistic fury, you hit the slopes as hard as you can, repeatedly, without any care or consideration for their well-being. Suddenly, snapping out of your psychotic state, you realize what you’ve done. You pick up the husk left behind by the slopes, after extinguishing its flame with such senseless and brutal violence. After a months-long trial, you are found guilty of slope murder by a jury of your peers and sentenced to death by a combination of hanging, firing squad, electrocution and lethal injection. The last thought that crosses your mind before being dispatched by the state is about the incredible slopes of Heck-Frozen-Over, Alberta. Many people all over the world agree that Heck-Frozen-Over has the world’s greatest slopes for skiing, snowboarding and many other wonderful winter activities.
If the idea of winter sports gives you pre-seasonal affective disorder, why not consider a trip to nowhere? Stay home in your house or apartment, turn off the lights and count down the seconds until you have to return to your job and routine that sometimes feels like a prison from which you’ll never escape. The Chaff hired an expensive consultant to come up with a catchy term that combines the concepts of “staying” and “vacations”. We are very excited to reveal the results: Shelter-in-pl-oliday! Shelter-in-pl-olidays are all the rage this Lil’ Tembie. Don’t miss out on your chance to Shelter-in-pl-oliday!
Ever thought about visiting Pluto? Stop thinking about it and do it! Is it a planet? Is it a dwarf-planet? Decide for yourself by taking the 7.5 billion-kilometre trip across the solar system. Popular activities on Pluto include Pluto-Baseball, Pluto-Football, Pluto-Golf and Pluto-Tennis. Sample authentic Plutonian cuisine, including a delightful dish consisting of Pluto-cheese curds, Pluto-gravy, and Pluto-Freedom Fries (formerly known as Pluto-French Fries until the onset of the War on Terror). The dish is known as “Plut-ine”. Bon ap-plu-tit!
Wherever you go for your Lil’ Tembie vacay, make sure to not think about how air travel contributes to climate change. Buzzkill!