I will never support the BW statue - The Devil's Desk with Old Nick

I, the one and only Old Nick, have taken over The Chaff, and I would like to begin by assuring readers that everything is perfectly under control. The newspaper is safe, the building is safe and the editorial staff are mostly safe. I have been told there may be some concern about the previous columnist, but frankly, The Chaff should never have been poking around in an old Latin book in the first place. There are consequences for curiosity, particularly when curiosity is combined with poor pronunciation. Fortunately, I live nearby. I have been waiting for an opportunity like this for a very long time, and I have finally acquired what every respectable demon dreams of: a weekly newspaper column.

 

I have tried everything over the centuries. Wars, rumours, jealousy, greed, bad decisions, social media, gambling, geopolitical instability and comment sections have all kept me wonderfully busy, and frankly, the results have been magnificent. Social media was one of my better ideas. I whispered, “You should probably check what everyone is saying about you,” and humanity has been checking ever since.

 

Gambling commercials have also exceeded expectations. I looked at the ancient human desire to gamble and thought, “You know what this needs? An unceasing promotional ad campaign across all media.” I am nothing if not committed to customer acquisition.

 

But now I have found something that threatens me in a way I did not anticipate: the proposed Betty White statue. I am not joking, I am not amused and I am not going to sit quietly while North Huron erects a monument to Betty White. I have read the previous Chaff column. I know the arguments. I know about Margaret Hobbs, born in Wingham in 1877, and her connection to Betty White. I know the argument about generations and family history. I know the claim that a statue would encourage visitors to stop, ask questions, read the plaque and learn something about the community. This is precisely the problem. People might learn something.

 

And then there is Betty White herself. I cannot think of a worse person to have associated with a statue from my perspective. She was funny, warm and beloved. She had an extraordinarily long career, was associated with radio and television shows that people consumed with their families, became an enduring cultural figure and made people laugh. People who laugh are difficult to control. I am not prepared to have hundreds of people standing in a public square looking at Betty White and smiling when I have spent centuries developing much more complicated ways of making them miserable.

 

There is also the problem of permanence. A statue can stand there for generations. I could be minding my infernal business in 2126 and some child could still walk up to Betty White, read the plaque and ask why she is in Wingham. I find the thought horrifying. One hundred years of people remembering. Two hundred years of people asking questions. Three hundred years of tourists taking photographs. Possibly, someone will put flowers beside it, and I draw the line at flowers. I have enough trouble with people leaving flowers at memorials. I certainly do not need another location where human beings are encouraged to contemplate gratitude, affection and the passage of generations.

 

So I am issuing a formal objection. The Betty White statue must not happen. I object to it all-encompassingly. If they propose Betty White standing, I will object. If they propose Betty White sitting, I will object. If they propose Betty White holding a television set, I will object. If they propose a statue of Margaret Hobbs instead, I will object to that too. Do not test me.

 

I am prepared to go all the way. I will raise questions about cost, location, accessibility, weather, snow, ice, birds and the environmental impact of people taking selfies. I will raise questions about absolutely anything or nothing at all. I have centuries of experience doing this.

 

Welcome to The Devil’s Desk. I will be here every week, and I will be entirely reasonable, deceptively persuasive and relentlessly opposed to this statue. I will make jokes, raise concerns and pretend this is about municipal planning, but it is not. I am fighting for something much more important. I am fighting against a statue of Betty White, and I intend to stop it before Wingham further entrenches itself as a place where history is visible, memory is permanent and people are encouraged to smile in public.

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting to arrange. It is a meeting about a meeting that will discuss whether a meeting should be held about fighting the statue. I invented the agenda, I have already prepared the minutes and I have absolutely no intention of letting this thing get built.

 

Ever.

 

See you in the funny pages!