Move over Blyth Festival, ChaffFest is coming! - Scott Stephenson editorial
Chaff hounds, houndstresses, houndsters, hounds-about-towns, houndymen, houndywomen, Houndy and the Houndersons, Houndiana Jones and the Temple of Hounds, Houndy Doody, and all the Chaffed-out half-hounds, downtown, having a heaping helping of hound hospitality - gather round! It is with great seriosity and a whole lotta hubris that The Chaff is happy, in an unhinged kinda way, to announce the inaugural Chaffstock HyperFest of the Future: MegaFestival Chaff Experience Extraordinaire in 3D converted to Real-Life-Skin, 4D, Plasma/LCD Festival of Festiveness and 5G network Error… Error… Error Fest! It was flung together really quickly, without much thought or effort and we just couldn’t be more proud of the results. Here’s a sneak preview of what’s in store for Chaffstock HyperFest of the Future: MegaFestival Chaff Experience Extraordinaire in 3D converted to Real-Life-Skin, 4D, Plasma/LCD Festival of Festiveness and 5G network Error… Error… Error Fest, a.k.a. ChaffFest!
ChaffFest is predominantly an arts festival, so the main attractions are performances by various artists, bands, writers, weirdos, loudmouths, clowns, ghosts, goobers, goblins, maniacs, morticians, meat puppets, meek puppets and oddball comedians who will find ways to offend even the most tolerant and accepting audiences. This year’s lineup is absolutely epic with anticipated appearances from Beowulf, Paradise Lost, The Divine Comedy, The Cantos, Ramayana, Nibelungenlied, Idylls of the King, The Odyssey, The Faerie Queene, Don Juan, Kalevala, Song of Myself, Shield of Heracles, The Iliad, Aeneid, Mahabharata, Metamorphoses, Omeros, The Voyage of Argo, and Theogony to name just a few.
The headliners secured for ChaffFest are completely unreal! Nineties favourite the Zack Attack is going to inject the audience with an almost certainly fatal dose of nostalgia on opening night, so tell your doctors you love them before ChaffFest likely ends your life prematurely. Sex Bob-Omb is tapped for night two and they will also be bringing with them a strong dose of nostalgia but, luckily, anyone who survived the previous night will have developed a tolerance. The legendary Blues Brothers will close out the festival with their special brand of nostalgia but it’s going to be a bit weak because it’s the Blues Brothers 2000 lineup.
Childcare is always a concern for festival-goers with children and childless people who just generally care about the well-being of children. ChaffFest has been hard at work developing a plan to put parents’ minds at ease and give youngsters an experience that they will not soon forget.
Bring your prettiest progeny and their less visually appealing siblings to ChaffFest’s signature KidPit! It’s a giant hole in the ground that we’ve been digging since the earth thawed in the springtime. Watch as little (fill-in child’s name) slides into the welcoming embrace of a massive, muddy excavation site. See your little (kid’s name) form life-long bonds with fellow pit mates as they learn valuable life lessons like working as part of a team, scrabbling and dealing with difficult emotions like distress, desperation and despair. Food is included in the price in a fun way - every 15 minutes a bucket filled with hot dogs, loose mac-and-cheese, and simulated chicken fingers (<1% chicken meat, >99% fingers) is lowered into the KidPit three times an hour. Unfrozen freezies will be available to drink (max 2.75 freezies per child).
It’s fair to say that ChaffFest wouldn’t be a worthy festival without an infusion of fare from all over the world. There will be no fewer than 325 poutine vendors on site. There will be traditional poutine as well as spicy, Mexican, dessert, desert, progressive, dehydrated, vegetarian, vegan, freegan, gluten-free, extra glutenated, Japanese, a-la-glace, Hydruian, Hungarian, and extra-cheesy versions. As a special added bonus, beloved, but troubled poutine mascot “Poutie the Gravy-Soaked Cheese Curd” will be present to sign autographs as part of their court-mandated community service, punishment for all the terrible things they did to that crowd of people back in 2021. (ChaffFest stands with the victims of Poutie’s terrible actions but, strictly from an economic perspective, had to take advantage of the incredible savings offered by Poutie’s agent due to the extensive fallout from Poutie’s 2021 massacre.) Free gravy shooters will be available for the first 10,000 mouths who make the leap onto ChaffFest’s feed zone known as “Poutine Island”. (Note: due to zoning restrictions, all poutine for sale at ChaffFest must be located on “Poutine Island”, which is technically an archipelago located within the festival grounds, surrounded by a six-foot moat with no bridge access. If you plan to be hungry at ChaffFest, make sure to bring your leaping legs.)
So, for those seeking an arts festival that embraces eccentricity and an unconventional approach, ChaffFest is poised to deliver an experience unlike any other.