Prepare for the impossible for which to prepare - Scott Stephenson editorial
In the annals of column writing, history is often marked by groundbreaking collaborations, fresh perspectives and unexpected mergers of talent. However, nothing can quite prepare you for the debut of The Chumpkin.
You may wonder, “What makes The Chumpkin so unique?” Well, to put it simply, it’s the first-ever column that brings together a demon from Hell and a human columnist to explore the realms of humour, mystery and general wacky and weird wildness. This is the story about how it all began:
The audacious recommendation came from an unlikely source, the Integrity Commissioner, Dervid Hamson. He suggested that Ignatius Grimwort and I, Scott Stephenson, work together on a column.
I’m still a bit woozy from my recent time in Hell while control of my body and identity was assumed by Ignatius Grimwort, a suave demon who radiates a relaxed energy and effortless coolness. Having had a taste of life through various lenses, from the fiery pits of Hell to the fiery pits of office spaces, Ignatius adds a spooky and darkly humourous touch to The Chumpkin.
Chumpies, Chumpsters and Chumpanzees, prepare to embark on a journey with The Chumpkin. Without further ado, let’s delve into the remarkable world of The Chumpkin.
The Chumpkin, the first-ever fusion of a demon’s perspective and a human columnist’s ideas, is bidding farewell. Ignatius Grimwort, ever-eager for adventures beyond the fiery realms of Hell, has decided to spread his wings, or perhaps, we should say “horns” and embark on his dream journey to explore the unknown and visit the East Coast of Canada.
The dynamic partnership with Ignatius Grimwort has captured the imagination of many, many (maybe a million?) readers. Together we blended the boring, old ordinary with the electrifying extraordinary in a way that left us wanting more. More! MORE! MORE! MORE! More! MORE! MORE! More. But the fact is that nothing, except for nothingness, lasts forever. Here’s the transcript of the first/final Chumpkerview:
Scott Stephenson (SBS): Well, Ignatius, it’s been one hell of a journey, hasn’t it?
Ignatius Grimwort (IG): (smiling in a scary and deeply unsettling manner) It certainly has, Scottie Pippen. A fusion of two worlds that none of us could have predicted. Not even my buddy, Vincent Predicto. World-class predictor extraordinaire. Close, personal friend of mine. How’s your aunt, Vinny?
SBS: Vincent Predicto has made some excellent predictions.
SBS: Okay, yeah, umm… Where was I? (checks notes) Right! Now, as you are about to go off to explore your dreams, we part ways, but not without a little touch of magic.
IG: (nodding maniacally) Absolutely. As I embark on my adventures, you’ll continue to enchant readers with The Chaff. The other day, I noticed a group of readers gathered in a field and you could tell that they were fully enchanted. Anyone who approached received a contact-enchantment without ever having been enchanted themselves. Turns out it was a field of cattle but they were definitely enchanted. Keep at it and I expect you’ll enchant ’em all, someday, Scott Wolf!
SBS: Thank you, Ignatius. I’ll be here, Chaffing the peculiarities of everyday Chaff, while you’ll be out there, exploring the mysteries of the unknown on a tour of Cape Breton.
IG: (winking in a way that makes you feel dirty, worried, dizzy and afraid) Who knows? Maybe we’ll cross paths again in some strange twist of terrible fate.
SBS: Well, until then, dear readers, the curtain falls on The Chumpkin.
And so, as Ignatius Grimwort spreads his disgusting horn-wings and I return to the familiar frenzied fanfare of the Chaffdom, we bid adieu to The Chumpkin. It's a column that defied conventions, merging the most boring ordinaries with the blast-off extraordinaries, and it has undeniably left an indelible mark on the world - a world where the bizarre often takes centre stage.
The Chumpkin may be gone, but it’s not the end of the story. Good people, please sign the copy of The Chumpkin you are currently reading and consider yourself part of the petition to convince Gil Garratt to include The Huron County Chumpkin Carol in the programming for the Blyth Festival’s 2024 - 2030 lineups. The people demand Chumpkin! Give the people what they want, Gil Garratt! Give the people Chumpkin!
CHUMPKERRECTION: It is with the deepest and most shameful regret that we note a mistake in the headline of last week’s column. It was recycled from a used-up Chaff from the summertime, one that everyone really hated. Those responsible for the error have been terminated.
From everybody here at The Chaff, The Pumpkin and The Chumpkin, Happy Halloween!
THIS IS THE… END?