The facts are in - time for the CN Tower to go - Scott Stephenson editorial
Greetings, my fellow Chaff-nadians! As everybody knows, The Chaff is completely committed and definitely dedicated to very real facts, and more importantly, facing them. Yes, many a fact has been made to feel more-than-a-little uncomfortable by the unflinching gaze of The Chaff’s persistent and often distressing eye-contact. Truth be told, The Chaff is an indisputable fact machine that is made out of pure facts and uses only the most factual facts as fuel. (When it comes to fact machines, make sure you use Fact™ Brand Fact Machine Plus® for all your most important facts and additional fact needs. When your facts are Fact™ Brand, you know they are always from the farm, never the factory and that’s a Fact™ Brand fact! And, for those frothing for faster facts, try Fact™ Brand Fact Machine Plus® Express.)
Today, we embark on a mission that will redefine Canadian achievements while simultaneously leaving the world scratching its scratchables in utter disbelief. Prepare yourselves, Chaff Nation, as we embark on the first steps of an absolutely necessary and vitally important project to liberate the CN Tower from its current prison in the concrete jungle of downtown Toronto and relocate it to the majestic peak of Mount Logan in British Columbia, our nation’s most “peakliest” peak.
We know the CN Tower is no longer the tallest freestanding structure worldwide - FACT! It’s barely even top 10 at this point and that might as well be nothing at all. So, instead of moping hopelessly over our too-tiny tower like a bunch of know-nothing nobodies, let's instead indulge in a national act of sheer audacity! We'll make history by moving our beloved CN Tower to the tip-top of Mount Logan - FACT!
Imagine, if you will, the CN Tower reaching for the heavens on Mount Logan's summit, taunting lowly clouds as they drift by like the pathetic losers they’ve always known themselves to be. Yes, those loser clouds are lucky to get even a small glimpse of greatness before descending to their inevitable end - sky tears of joy - fog-wannabe witnesses to the stunning majesty of our nation’s tallest tower atop its tallest summit.
The closer proximity would obviously agitate the existing rivalry with Seattle’s Space Needle but our newly-transplanted tower would instantly transform into a literal example of what theirs only claims to be.
Now, we understand that some skeptics might question the feasibility of this grandiose scheme. The task of relocating a monumental structure like the CN Tower from Toronto to the summit of Mount Logan would undoubtedly require meticulous engineering, planning and expertise. A team of highly-skilled structural engineers and transportation specialists would embark on a comprehensive assessment of the tower's weight distribution, structural integrity and the environmental impact of the move. Advanced computer simulations and mathematical models would guide the development of a customized support system to ensure the tower's stability during transport. Specialized cranes, hydraulic jacks and carefully engineered support frames would be utilized to carefully lift and secure the tower throughout its journey. The logistics of the operation would involve extensive co-ordination with transportation authorities, road infrastructure modifications and the implementation of safety measures to mitigate any potential risks. Through meticulous planning, collaboration and adherence to engineering best practices, the relocation of the CN Tower would become a mega-fantastic, ultra-infinite, permanent super testament to the remarkable capabilities of modern Canadian engineering - FACT!
With all of the current problems the city is facing, Toronto wouldn’t even miss the tower after it’s removed. City officials will replace it with a condominium that houses a vape shop on the ground floor that specializes in vapes for babies. (Consider Fact™ Brand Vapes for Babies for all of your infant’s electronic cigarette needs. Infants adore the sweet, apple saucy flavour of Fact™ Brand Vapes for Babies. Stop the crying without even trying! That’s Fact™ Brand Vapes for Babies.)
Once the CN Tower has ascended to its new zenith on Mount Logan, the world will stand agape, unable to comprehend our extraordinary collective action. Our nation will be flooded with visitors eager to witness this mind-bending sight.
So, dear Chaff-patriots, let us embark on this wild and whimsical journey to relocate the CN Tower to Mount Logan's lofty summit. Get ready, Canada - it's time to lift the tower and elevate our nation's reputation to new heights - FACT!
Finally, we are thrilled to share the exciting news that Fact™ Brand has acquired The Chaff, heralding a new era of collaboration and growth. With this acquisition, Fact™ Brand assumes the role of overseeing editorial content at The Chaff, bringing its wealth of expertise and resources to the forefront. We here at The Chaff deeply respect Fact™ Brand.