Things are getting pretty weird around here - Scott Stephenson editorial
Everybody shut up! There’s definitely, absolutely, without a doubt, for sure, totally no time for pleasantries this week at The Chaff because “Chaff-ston, we have a problem.” We are pretty much certain that The Chaff is being haunted by a ghoul, or a ghost, or a goblin, or maybe something way worse like a witch, or a wicked warlock or a weird werewolf, we’re not sure. What we do know is that we’re worried as heck about all the wildly inexplicable things that have been happening around here lately. We’re too scared to do anything about it, so the haunting of this column is probably just going to keep getting worse until The Chaff turns into nothing but a bunch of complete and cockamamie nonsense cooked up in a fright machine set to “bake, broil, and terrify.” Awooooooooooo!
Last week, we provided, perhaps foolishly, an opportunity for the Devil to pen a few words about the changing colours of autumn leaves - typical fall fluff stuff for readers to cram-in between slices of fair pie and pluckin’ pumpkins for doing pumpkin stuff like making pumpkin cocktails, pretending pumpkins are the family members with whom you no longer speak, and playing traditional pumpkin games like “Pumpkin Dunk-Off Classic”, “Pumpkin Hunters II: Pumpkin of Destiny”, and “Pumpkin or President?” the game where you guess if a famous quote was originally spoken by an ex-President or a pumpkin. “Ask not what your pumpkin can do for you but what you can do for your pumpkin.”
We think the Devil mistook our kindness for weakness (the joke’s on the Devil though - it’s actually equal parts stupidity and carelessness) and saw an opportunity to get those horrible hooves and the horniest of horny horns through a portal between the netherworld and the very real and serious world of The Chaff.
What evidence do we have? Well, we looked into it and, apparently, there is no such game as “Pumpkin or President?” We didn’t write that - it just appeared on our office’s TypeTron2000 all of a sudden without an explanation while we were preparing this week’s Chaff and also competing in several spirited rounds of “Pumpkin Dunk-Off Classic”. And, yes, we were enjoying a couple of bottles of pumpkin brandy purchased from a somewhat shadowy figure going by the name “Old Scratch”.
“Four gourds and seven pumpkins ago….”
That wasn’t us! We didn’t write the above sentence. That kind of wordplay is beneath The Chaff and you can Chaff that to the bank while filling your pipe and Chaffing it until the Chaffs come home. Whoever, or whatever, wrote that must have been a seductive succubus or sneaky shapeshifter or some kind of other sexy-spooky hybrid entity but it definitely wasn’t us here at The Pumpkin… The Chaff, it’s The Chaff. This column is called The Cha… The Ch… The Pumpkin.
How ya doing, Pumpers?! Pumpsters?! Pump up that jam-a-lama-Pump-Pumps?! Welcome back to another wild and wonderful waltz across the patch here at The Pumpkin. We are thrilled to be able to share our passion with you every week in this space devoted to the Queen of the Cucurbita, the guru of the gourds, and the sweet, sweet sorcerer of seeds: the stately pumpkin.
This week on the vine: an ode to orange - a colour that pumpkins make look easy. Stem stumpers for pump-heads - tough questions to patch up your pumpkin knowledge and know-how to grow-how. Also, an interview with Dervid Hamson about how pumpkins saved his marriage. That and much, much more here at southwestern Ontario’s number one source for gourdly knowledge: The Pumpkin.
(Representatives of The Chaff gasping for breath)
Don’t listen to all that pumpkin nonsense. This is The Chaff that you all know and love, or know and tolerate, or know and are creating a petition against, or don’t know and don’t care, but sure, yeah, I’ll sign your petition. We’re in a struggle against evil and we need your support. Please help us wrestle the reigns of these pages back from the infernal grip of the master of damnation. There is not much time remaining before it's too late.
Here’s what you need to do: Go to the closest broken mirror - the more shattered, the better. It should look like you’re gazing into an infinite number of splintered universes. Next, say “The Chaff” three times, spin around in a circle 16 times, as fast as you can, and then say “Ffach Eht” (codebreaker: The Chaff, backwards) three times while jumping on the spot for 30 consecutive minutes. Light a candle and say the Latin phrase “Quid est ille odor?” It is critically important that you are in possession of the “Wand of TaunTaun” throughout the entirety of the process, or we don’t stand a chance. Good luck. And may Chaff have mercy on our souls.
(Deafening shriek followed by a distant cackle)
That’s about all the time we have left for this week’s edition of The Pumpkin. Be sure to check out our website for some drawings of pumpkins that were made by adorable, smart and talented children.
THE END IS HERE!