Very real questions deserve very real answers - Scott Stephenson editorial
Each and every week, The Chaff mailroom is bombarded with sacks and sacks of letters from fans and foes alike demanding explanations for the confusing twists and disorienting turns too often taken in this column week in, week out, week beside, week around, week above, week below, week adjacent, Weekend at Bernie’s, and Weekend at Bernie’s II. There are questions like: “What is the deal with this pointlessly confusing and needlessly disorienting column?” The Chaff’s lawyers have recommended that we do not answer these letters because their content is now under the jurisdiction of the Ontario Chaff Tribunal (OCT), but, in typical Chaff fashion, we’re telling the lawyers to “go Chaff a kite” because we don’t need your reasonable advice and sound judgment here. It’s like Doc Brown says at the end of Back to the Future: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” In this instance roads are a metaphor for legal advice. Today, The Chaff throws a hot slop of caution to the wildest, wettest and most windy kinda super cuckoo wind that there’s ever been and answers all of your very real reader mail questions.
Q: Hi, The Chaff. My name is Roland Gorvey. What day of the week is it today?
A: Greetings Roland. First of all, great question! It’s really hard to pinpoint what day it is exactly because it’s not clear when you wrote this or when it arrived. Maybe Monday? It feels like a Monday. Hopefully, it’s not Wednesday, amiright? It sure would be sweet if it was Saturday because it’s like they say, “Saturday is for The Chaff.” Tuesday, of course, is always a possibility. Not going to rule out Friday or Sunday because those days are very possible days that it could be. It might be Thursday, but then again, it might not be Thursday. Thank you for writing!
Q: The Chaff - You ruined my life. I challenge you to a duel at High Noon - Jorm Dizburn
A: Jormy, baby! Good to hear from you. Not really a question, but thank you for writing. I am sorry to learn that your life has been ruined because of all of those things that I said that you did but then it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. I should have been wearing my glasses but I don’t like the way they make me look like I can see. I want people to say, “Who is that mysterious, squinting man?” Unfortunately I will not be able to duel with you at High Noon because I have a strict - dusk, dawn or don’t bother - dueling policy.
Q: The Chaff, what is the best number? Sincerely, Durve Scrinton
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Q: The Chaff - Can you please wrap this up? - The Citizen Editor, Shawn Loughlin